A Useless Teacher
Our Deputy Headmaster at Blackpool Grammar School from about 1959 to 1966 was called Wynn. I can only assume he was promoted to deputy head because he was such an awful teacher, but with many years service nobody had the heart or guts to replace him.
As I recall, he was always very serious, and nobody ever remembered him smiling or laughing at a joke or other humourous situation. It was as though, for him, humour did not exist.
I seem to recall his nickname was "Jim" Wynn, but I see from the Meliora website that his first name was Ralph. I don't think any of my fellow pupils knew his first name, possibly indicating that not even the other staff members were encouraged to be on first name terms with him.
On the opposite side of this page, I recount two incidents which have remained etched into my memory, one because it was such an incredible example of poor teaching, the other because it showed his seemingly total lack of any sense of humour, and his lack of touch with the rest of humanity. It was also one of the funniest incidents in my entire school days.
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Binomial Theorem as a Novel
I had the privilege of being in the sixth form mathematics department. In the first year sixth, we had Wynn as our "Pure Maths" teacher, although he may have also qualified as a pure teacher of maths, as it would be hard to imagine him doing anything impure.
At our first "pure" lesson, he walked in, sat down, opened his copy of our text book, and proceeded to read the chapter on the binomial theorem as normal reading speed, about 200 words per minute, rather as though it were a novel. At the end of the chapter, he asked was there anything there that anybody did not understand, before proceeding to give us the first four binomial problems as class work, and a further three for homework.
It seemed as though every single member of the class, about twenty, sat there in astonishment with open mouths. As if possessed by a communal tau, and bound by some telepathic common thought process, we all knew instinctively what every other class member was thinking, which amounted to "What?", "What happened?", or "What was that?", as though some world changing event had just occurred before our very eyes but so quickly or so terribly that we were left uncomprehending or unbelieving.
Slowly, one or two members started to come our of shock, and murmur "You tell him", "You ask him", "No, you", shoulders were shrugged and neighbours were nudged. Eventually a spokesman seemed to have been elected telepathically or by some other mystic means, Colin Binks, I believe, one of the biggest and bravest of us, who raised his hand. I believe it took some time before Wynn, who had buried himself in some reading material of his own secure in the blyth knowledge of a job well done, and happy that he had taught us today's topic so well that not a single pupil failed to understand the merest detail, and supremely unaware of a lack of writing on our part, eventually noticed the raised hand, and asked "Yes?". Binks bravely stated that he did not understand, to which the reply was "Precisely which part did he not understand?". At this point, the incredulity of the entire class was so stretched that some nervous laughter released itself, fortunately unnoticed by Wynn, and Binks went on to state "Well, all of it actually". Wynn's response to this was something along the lines of "Don't be ridiculous!", and "Does anybody else not understand any of it?"
I can't remember much of the next few minutes, being perhaps suffering from concussion, whether he re-read the chapter, or explained the theorem, but only a few minutes later, we were once again expected to continue with the work which had been set. Most of us thought incorrectly that we were no wiser, but the truth is that we were actually no better informed. Some brave souls who thought they perhaps had an inkling of what had been transmitted to us, started to try to explain to others that perhaps this or that meant so and so, but without much conviction, and others started to re-read the chapter in the hope that they could break the code in which it was written. An enigma machine from Bletchley Park would have been useful, but it probably would have foundered at the magnitude of the task.
The lesson ended, and we started to try to understand what the whole thing was about. I think most of us completely failed, and few of us could attempt to explain it even today.
Looking back over the years at this incident, the impression which has formed and reinforced itself, is how truly awful and incompetent a teacher Wynn must have been. Perhaps he was a brilliant mathematician, and perhaps to him it was all so simple and clear, that he could not even start to comprehend how such an easy thing could be anything but simple to anybody else, let alone a sixth form maths class at one of Blackpool's leading schools.
Ambush or Bacon Tree
I can remember the teacher, "Billy" Beetham, a pleasant fellow, with a slightly absent minded air. One day I raised my hand and asked "Please sir, is "insidiae" a bacon tree". With a dead straight face Sir answered, "No, Chard, it's an ambush". I seem to recall this got a laugh from most of the class, fortunately it did not get me a detention, as "Sir" never appeared to notice the laugh, or to work out he had been suckered into a perfectly timed punchline.
Boys Are Reminded That the Wearing of Stiletto Heels in the School Hall is Not Permitted
On most day, the Headmaster led the morning assembly, and read any notices at its end. Occasionally, in the head's absence, Wynn got to read them. I can remember that he used to mis-pronounce a few pupils names which the Head usually got right, but the funniest occasion I can remember in which the entire school was involved was his announcement just prior to the school's annual Christmas Fair.
He had just reminded all the boy's (it was a single sex school), to take home and hand to parents the invite to the Christmas Fair. At the end of this particular announcement, he added that "Boys are reminded that the wearing of stiletto heels in the school hall is not permitted". Presumably this was intended to be for the benefit of mothers, and perhaps sisters attending the Fair, but the entire school near-exploded into laughter. Only "near" because most people managed to restrain themselves, but it was clear that those who had not actually burst out into spontaneous laughter were having difficulties in controlling their mirth. Everywhere one looked, you could see others pupils and teachers trying to subdue their laughter. For once, Wynn actually notice the open hilarity, and looked up and around before stating "I can see nothing funny about that!".
If the first gaffe was not enough, this addition to it was enough to reinforce the pervasive latent laughter. Most people actually managed to keep control, but I do not know how.
Once again, looking back at this incident, what impresses me is not so much the original boob, the sort of thing which most people probably manage during some part of their life, but the total inability to understand that if a thousand people, both masters and pupils, believe that something is so outstandingly hilarious that none can contain a spontaneous outburst of laughter, then they just be right, and there may have been something funny as its common cause. It is hard to believe that anybody could be so stupid, or unaware, that they completely failed to realise that they had said something funny, or so lacking in inquisitiveness that they could not or would not try to figure out the cause of the merriment. Even a total moron would have realised that something they said was not quite right, and may have made some mental effort to think what it was. But not Wynn! No, no, oh no!, despite a first class honours degree at Oxbridge or whatever, he seemed totally unaware and oblivious to the wondrous and subtle effects of simple words on simple minds. Did he think we were all wrong?, did he think we were all stupid? taken leave of our senses, possessed by some alien mass hysteria or dementia? Did he even think? The conclusion I have drawn is that he probably never gave the matter any further thought whatsoever.
How can any teacher have ever been so totally and blissfully unaware, and out of touch with the rest of the entire universe?
Should this incident qualify Wynn as the worst teacher of all time? He would certainly have earned my nomination. Perhaps there ought to be a World's Worst Teacher Award", with nominations and an annual ceremony.
Anybody Else Remember?
I would find it interesting to know if anybody else can remember this incident, and their thoughts on it.
Humour
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